deeply inside

it took me long enough to write bout dis
its kindda personal,but i guess i can share it here if it can give lessons to anyone.
so,hear goes.
there was once a moment in my life that i felt i'm nothing,and useless
i remember the day i attended to kmpp,
where my life suddenly turn over.

mybe its just me, i dun blame the surroundings though
even though i went there wit my own best friend from stf,
its funny how i felt soo empty where i felt like have no one else
yet the distance from kmpp to my house is only 20 minutes
but i still felt far from home,.'distance' from everyone else,including my family.

i came to the phase in my life where i felt soo ugly,stupid.i'm the useless little creature that cannot do anything. my brain as if its capability had been taken away by God.
i cant even study there.
when i went to the lecture hall,i felt blank.i cannot get what the subject had been taught.
i felt hopeless,i can imagine how i am going to proceed wit other lectures if i dun understand it.

i find it hard to fit in there.the first week there is like a hell to me. when mama came that weekend, i felt like a little child crying,that i wanna go home,go back.i want a secure feeling back.
mama was shocked.she just cant believe i am turning into a very negative person..
oh yeah,untill now i dun get what actually is happening to me.
i take it as a God's test for me, n i simply just gave up at that time...

from an outgoing person,talkative n love to make friends i some how change into a very different attitude. i felt shy almost all da time, i even find it hard to start a conversation wit anyone. that's why its hard for me to make friends in my class.even in my room,my roommates just dont bother. they think i am a spoilt little child from a bording school that just dont mix up wit other people. well,i dun blame them..
i wonder why i got this kind of feeling,how my self confidence turn exactly to zero..

well,i dun knw how i got through this, but mostly the ones who r close to me know what had happened to me and how i was going thru to a really hard and rough situation at dat time. i didnt score well there. even worst i let down my parents hope,n to see the frustration on their faces just made me felt more sad and unhappy...

after a year later, i manage to squeeze myself in utm.thank god actually wit my results,i still can apply for uni even thou i dun achieve well. from the first day i registered there, i think its God giving me a second chance,to prove that i can be much better than dis.i still can make my parents proud..

i remember how my first year went. i dun have to try so hard, friends just came when i truly show myself..at first i do walk and ride the bus alone, but later i manage to made friends.. its seems that my life here in utm is the life that i know i can deal with it,with all the courage and support i had..

now i'm in my final year.doing my thesis. life isnt easy here,there are still obstacles here and there. but i remember i will always have God, and my parent's prayer are with me..

so,last monday i received a call from mama. she said, one of her friend's son is having the same problem wit me when he attended kmpp, however his problems doesnt solve untill he's in a private college.
mama said that she felt soo grateful that i became 'another' person for only in a short time, it didn't drag me too long. she said she's grateful i'm doing well now,n she told me she shouldnt have think dat she's the only parent dat haf dis kind of problems wit their kids..there are people out there too,having the same problem and mybe much bigger..huhu

To abah and mama,
i'm sorry because u have to deal wit that 'version' of me,once ago. i'm sorry i have let u guys down,and i promise u as long as i'm trying my best, i know i wont let u down again. u guys had done soo much for me,being there,supportive and love me as i am even though i was out of mind at that time.thank u soo much for ur unconditional love,. i really am the luckiest to have parents like u both.

as for know i am grateful to God,that i am His creature,and God will always give chances,as long as u seek for them..ALHAMDULILLAH